"I am not a spirit. I am a little extra, extra clever mongoose."
"If I were a spirit, I could not kill rabbits."
"I am a ghost in the form of a weasel, and I shall haunt you with weird noises and clanking chains."
"I know who I am but I shan't tell you. I am a freak. I have hands and I have feet, and if you saw me you'd faint, you'd be petrified, mummified, turned into stone or a pillar of salt."
"I'll split the atom! I am the fifth dimension! I am the eighth wonder of the world!"
"I was born near Dehli, India, on June 7, 1852. I have been shot at by Indians. I am a marsh mongoose."
"I am not evil. I could be if I wanted. You don't know what damage or harm I could do if I were roused. I could kill you all, but I won't."
(After being asked where he would go when he died)
"To Hell, to the Land of Mist."
"I was brought to England from Egypt by a man named Holland. When I was in India, I lived with a tall man who wore a green turban on his head. Then I lived with a deformed man, a hunchback."
"If you knew what I know, you'd know a hell of a lot!"
Gef on life with the Irvings"If you are kind to me, I will bring you good luck. If you are not kind, I shall kill all your poultry. I can get them wherever you put them!"
"I have been to nicer homes than this. Carpets, piano, satin covers on polished tables. I am going back there. Hahaha!"
"This is my home. It suits me."
"I have three attractions. I follow Voirrey, Mam gives me food, and Jim answers my questions."
"For years, I understood all that people said, but I could not speak until you taught me."
(Upon suspecting Jim of trying to look directly at him)
"You're looking! Stop looking! Turn your head, you bastard! I cannot stand your eyes!"
(Upon noticing that Jim was reading the Bible)
"Look at the pious old atheist reading the Bible; he will swear in a minute!"
(To Jim) "You are as thick in the head as a lump of Kauri."
"Well, Jim, what about some grubbo?"
(To Jim, when hungry) "Hey you devil - you heard me! I want chukko!"
(An incident reported by Jim Irving to Harry Price)
"I was reading a Liverpool newspaper when the animal called out in alarm, 'I see something!'. 'What?' I asked. 'A name that makes me quake, makes me shake!' I can find nothing alarming in the paper. Jef bawls 'Have a dekko again! Look in the deaths'. I look and see the obituary of a man named Jeffrey's who's just died, and in brackets after it 'Jef'. I had not noticed it before."
Gef on his Investigators"I like Captain MacDonald, but not Harry Price. He's the man who puts the kybosh on the spirits!"
(On Captain Macdonald)
"I expect he'll want to take a walk with me next!"
(On Captain Macdonald's fashion sense)
"Plus fours! Oxford bags!"
(To Captain Macdonald)
"Charlie, Charlie, chuck chuck chuck! Charlie my old sport! Clear to the Devil if you don't believe!"
(Upon being told by Jim, "We are having a dictaphone to record your voice")
"Who's we? Is it that spook man Harry Price? Why, I won't speak into it. I'll go and smash his windows. I'll drop a brick on him as he lies in bed. Me at the age of 83?"
"Tell Arthur not to come. He doesn't believe. I won't speak if he does come. I'll blow his brains out with a thrupenny cartridge."
"He's damned well not going to get to know my inferior complex."
"You'll put me in a bottle if you catch me."
Miscellaneous"Nuts! Put a sock in it! Chew coke!"
"I have three spirits, and their names are Foe, Faith and Truth."
"Put the bloody gramophone on!"
(After being asked to chase away some weazels)
"I don't want a combat and a turmoil with them!"
"Jim, I have a god-damn cough. I have a hell of a cold. You will have to get me something."
"Hey Jim! Aint I got horse's pains in my tail!"
(After Jim remarked that he took a long time to calculate: "How many pence in seventeen and sixpence?")
"My rectophone wasn't working"
Copyright © 2017 Clifford Malcolm Willett